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Bitchery Through The Ages

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(no subject) [May. 27th, 2008|01:27 pm]
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Am luxuriating in freedom, humidity, and Lovecraft right now. I got back from the car repair place hours before I anticipated because they (to quote the adorable old man behind the counter) "double-teamed [me]." HAH! And to make things even kinkier, Tod was on the phone with me almost the entire time. (Although, if I got double-teamed, it seems unfair that I should have to pay THEM...)

So now I'm in my flowy satin nightgown, which is actually a gorgeous afternoon tea gown but I can't wear it as such because it isn't particularly flattering on me - makes me look like a Japanese pillar. But it's still lovely and cool.

For the past few days I've been kicking back and relaxing (and occasionally cleaning in a half-assed sort of way). T's coming home tonight, and the boys seem excited. (At least, they don't seem UN-excited, so who's to say they're not?) And now I start werk on Thurs., according to Campface, who has changed the day on me a couple times. Ah, well...at least I finally know I'm hired.

Thank you, Nikki, for the invite to your wonderful BBQ, and the sake set, and the staff (I'll give you a fiver on Wednesday)! I've told Tod he has a "Gandalf-surprise" waiting for him at home; he seems intrigued.

Saw "Stardust" with M. last night; it's a gorgeous and funny movie (based on the Neil Gaiman novel, if you loved Good Omens, and who didn't?!?). It's rather reminiscent of "The Princess Bride"; you should rent it.

Off to read about Cthulhu and Nylarathotep and Yog-Soggoth and all sorts of wicked beasties from out of space-time; I do like a good Lovecraft in the summertime (winter is just too grim already without him adding to it). I'm reading an annotated version, and we have several interesting similarities; our love of cats and our obnoxious Anglophilia, to name a few. I really have a great affection for the guy, along with "Crazy Uncle Steve" King. This is probably because I am positively morbid.

Ta!
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [Mar. 8th, 2008|12:01 pm]
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I'm drinking tea and watching the boys play right now... I am SOOO happy that Ornery "Hobbes" Mocha G___ and Smokey "Love-Fluff" Marvolo George G___ have moved in, because they are the lights of my life and absolutely adore each other and us (well, Hobbes adores his daddy, and Smokey adores me). I lurves my boys. They fight/groom the way Bella and Fatty do - one pins one down and starts washing the other, and then the other gets all uppity and impatient and aggressively starts washing the first one. Oh, and Hobbes can fly. He sometimes randomly leaps straight up into the air, as high as 5 feet up, and attacks the door frame. Then he says "Brrrt!" and runs off. No one knows why. And Smokey likes to hold my hand with his paw when I'm studying. That right there is a mama's boy. It's a far cry from the day he moved in, when he was so freaked out that he hissed at everything for days, including Hobbes and his food.

It's finally Spring Break, and no one needed it more than I do. I was seriously starting to hate life, and was only going to about half my classes. I was totally frazzled and cried for no reason, and when someone spoke to me I replied in grunts or monosyllables. Not a happy time. So I'm free (sorta); I'll be spending most of this week reviewing, working on my argument brief, getting the car seen to, and hopefully catching up with a few friends. Also, I'll be working on Tod's birthday present - yes, I KNOW his birthday's not until November, but it could take a long time to get exactly right, especially as when I'm in school I have no time to make things. But trust me, it's gonna be really fucking cool.

I'm currently recovering from one of those awful dreams where I was writing an endless paper (I was Harry Potter, oddly enough, writing on the improbable migration of certain African peoples down to Puerto Rico. Not sure why Harry Potter would be writing about that, but Ron thought it was brilliant), and it lasted FOREVER, and went on in tortuous detail. I can still remember editing out certain phrases, and replacing them and everything; very tedious. It must be guilt for having been such a massive slacker this past week, and reminding me that I need to be on top of things. I think I'll recover by watching some telly.

But I'm not actually used to having the time to watch TV, except for "Lost," "Runway," and CNN in the mornings, and I need to figure out what's good now. I am definitely not going to be watching "Dancing With The Stars." I saw a clip of Marie Osmond dressed up and dancing like a doll one time, and almost choked on my own vomit of terror. I haven't been quite the same since then.

I've seen a few episodes of "Heroes", and that seems really good, but I'm too behind now to catch up on that except via Netflix. Poop. Also, I hear "Psych" is over for the season. Poop a lot.

When I do watch CNN, all I ever see is the same damn ad for the Royal Bank of Scotland. They didn't used to be so bad; they once featured a strong, silent James Bond-esque banker who quietly saved the day in various ways while everybody else dithered. Not at all objectionable. But this recent one is simply too much. It features a boy's prep school's Founders Day, and the guest speaker is droning on and on and making lame analogies about life, and finally this one kid stands up and cuts him off by saying "The end!" It's not particularly smooth or imaginative of him, but his fellows seem grateful and applaud, and he smiles modestly and tugs on his ear. Cut to 25 years later, and the same guy, grown up, is smiling smugly and tugging on his ear, remembering that day when he was enough of a douche to interrupt this poor guy speaking in front of a bunch of ungrateful snots at a boy's school, and everybody loved him for it. I hope he gets run over by an autobus the next time he steps out onto an Edinburgh street.

I also heartily dislike that ad for Johnny Walker Blue Label. It's a very abstract ad, captioned "For those who know what to look for." I can make out a guy and a bottle of Blue Label, but what the hell is he looking at?!? Is it a bus? There may be a cow in there somewhere. Clearly, I don't know what to look for. And it makes me feel like an idiot. (It's on the back of last week's New York Times Magazine, if anyone feels like taking a look at it and enlightening me.)

I think I'm done rambling for the nonce.
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [Aug. 23rd, 2007|08:29 pm]
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[ambiance |"The Daily Show"]

I am in a lot of pain, and only a little of it can be imputed to my transcendent, devastating clumsiness. I have been constantly walking (and participating in other, less public forms of exercise) for the past 2 days, and my body now thinks I'm trying to murder it. I walked all 3 1/4 miles of Baxter Boulevard today, and on top of the considerable pain and stiffness that I accumulated yesterday, it feels like I died several hours ago. However, the bathroom scale has finally deigned to move a bit, so maybe I will survive the torture.

Hobbes seems to be adjusting much more nicely now that he and Bella are inseparable friends - he is much bolder and seems much happier now. I keep taking endless pics of them snuggling together, but they are just so perfect and adorable that I can't resist. Little Bella-cose and Hobbes-tinate...together at last, and making life infinitely more chaotic (but interesting)!

Orientation is next week, and I am incredibly excited. And terrified. I've already had several nightmares about receiving a B+ for my first class, not having studied for exams, not having received the materials in time, etc. Normal stuff. Although that last one is perilously close to coming true; the assistant dean of the law school still needs to send me some materials that I was supposed to have received by the 17th; I'm supposed to study them before orientation. I'm hoping they arrive soon, because I really don't have much study time before then...

So, Karl Rove is finally gone - I suppose there wasn't much more damage that he could have done. And Tony Snow is going. Evil geniuses, both of them. Despite that good news, my beloved Obama isn't doing as well in the polls as I'd like, although recently I DID quite possibly influence one woman to vote for him in '08. Moooahahahaha - winning dem Dems over, one at a time! I mean, who else? Hillary is a hypocrite, and Fightin' Joe Biden just doesn't seem to be an option anymore. And John Edwards is a puss. Whereas Barack is truly the man of the future.

Tod's home; I think I'll go and participate in that other form of exercise now. And then I'll have some (sugar- and fat-free) pudding!
Link1 Heather What's your damage?

(Waiting for the melatonin to kick in...) [Jul. 21st, 2007|01:15 am]
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I've been thinking about sleep lately (not even remotely surprising, given my complicated relationship with it), and recently realized with some surprise that over many years I've gradually gone from sleeping in the tightest fetal position to an ungainly all-out sprawl - limbs akimbo, stretching myself out all over the bed. I'm pretty sure that it's a reflection of the growing safety I've felt over time. Interesting, ne? (Oh, okay; maybe it's only interesting to me. *Thppppppthbtht!* Killjoys.)

* * *


Have found a new favorite (I hesitate to say it, but...) haunt (*sigh*) in Evergreen Cemetery near where I live. It's amazing; I knew there was one there, but I had no clue as to its vast dimensions; it must span several miles, and after walking the perimeter, your feet are quite tired. It's pretty new for New England - the earliest graves seem to date from 1840, but there are some very worn away by time and/or lichens, so who knows how old they are - but still fascinating:

The stones there range from tiny to monumental, with lots of Greek columns (Doric, Ionic, and Corinthian, thank you very much!), huge wall-monuments set in hills, obelisks, and the usual aboveground mausoleums, all put together higgledy-piggledy for acres. It's mostly WASPs there (most of the usual grand old Maine names, like Baxter and Longfellow, are represented), but there are also some Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Russian Muslims, and Buddhists. Even, dare I say, a few witches (although obviously none of the stones that I've seen chose to advertise that particular fact)!

There are some segregated sections; the Muslims are off on their own (by choice, I wonder?), and the tacky section is where the people reside who are planted with with fake flowers, statuary, personal effects, and little plastic windmills. There are many Freemasons in this one particular spot, there's another section for people whose loved ones favor Cedars of Lebanon for their departed, and there is ONE wonderful gravestone with a full etching of a man's (quite impressive) house where somebody has taped his photo in what I assume to be his bedroom window! Which: funny! I'm sure he would approve.

I can't believe I've lived here for 10 years and not been aware of this place; parts of it are so vast and full of nothing but different heights and colors of stone, it looks for all the world like the landscape of some ruined, alien city from Lovecraft (Cthulthu would've liked it). It's not creepy, though; I think any ghost would be intimidated by the myriad potential competitors, and go menace a more secluded place. (Either that, or they all come out and party together when everyone's gone home.) I can't wait to bring Tod; maybe we can bring a picnic to eat near the duck pond...

* * *


Speaking of the boy - I am SO glad he's here! It's lovely to wake up with him in the morning and go to bed with him in the evening, and to eat together, and talk whenever we want to, and veg out together or do our own thing in the same room. He hangs out with friends a couple times a week, which is good because Lord knows people weren't meant to be together all of the time! and I get my needed solitude then. The cats seem to be adjusting a little better each day, and their respective parents and aunties are very relieved about it. I just hope he feels totally at home here, or will soon...he deserves to be allowed to be himself, because *himself* is a wonderful thing to be!

*mush, mush* Shut up, Vladimir. I can all too well envision you smirking while you read this. And do finish that book; Matt secretly wants to read it next! ;-D
Link4 Heathers What's your damage?

(no subject) [Apr. 7th, 2007|08:39 pm]
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[ambiance |"The Crucible"]

Yesterday I labored physically until - well, I wasn't at the end of my strength, because I'm a pretty tough little thing when I'm doing something I really want to accomplish. But I worked steadily all day and was pretty goddamn exhausted at the end of it. I've been so relentlessly manic about this that, were Steve King around, he might justifiably have accused me of being possessed by his nasty little Tommyknockers.

What I've was doing is transforming the smaller attic room off of my main room, the one that I previously used for storage, into a huge walk-in closet for Tod and me. This necessitated moving beds, a dressing table, and a packing and moving a dozen boxes down into the basement; it's alarming how much damn stuff one accumulates...

In case you are only reading this for the lurid sex details (can't blame you there) and thus have not been paying attention, I live in the attic, and I absolutely love my house. Parts of it are small and cozy like a hobbit-hole, and parts of it have pitched roofs and tipsy staircases and railings like a ship. And then of course there's the sun room, and the garden, which improves by the year. This is one reason why Tod and I aren't getting a place of our own yet; who needs one? My little hobbit house is what I want; it has character.

From the sublime to the ridiculous: while the new renovations proceed at work, we've all been moved into the dungeon, crammed together in little tiny honeycomb-like cubicles. It could be worse - at least we're all friends - but is far from ideal; everytime Randy sneezes, I feel a breeze, and so forth. I'm also bummed because Victor will no longer be president of the company, and I like him. But today I did get a lovely congratulatory card signed by everybody (Renee included - ha freakin' ha, Lori/Deb)!

I'm going to bed; no lurid sex details tonight, folks. Sorry...

Later:

Ran across Erich tonight in a documentary, of all people - still very handsome, same voice, etc., but dressed like a bit of a goit (I thought) and still rather too conservative, if the tone of the documentary is any indicator. So shocking to see the unrequited love of your early teen years when you don't expect it! (First Diana's book, then Erich's movie - can Aaron in his own Broadway musical be far behind?)
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [Mar. 26th, 2007|09:16 pm]
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[ambiance |The Police - "King of Pain"]

Lately I am getting more and more psyched about Tod coming to live with me: we've been talking about buying a bed and more bookcases, considering converting the newly pristine (if a tad ugly) basement to a den-ish area for him, and pondering how Hobbers will react to the other cats - if it wasn't that I have so much to take care of before the event, I'd move his sweet ass in tomorrow!

Work is (*knocks on de wood*) fun lately too, now that my most recent trainee is now on her own and I am not shackled to someone thoroughly objectionable for 10 ½ straight ever-fucking hours. I stuck around for an extra unpaid 45 minutes tonight to make sure that my newest (and very sweet) trainee was well-situated, and to gossip and laugh with Chris, Maya, and the temps. I gossip entirely too much, but whatev. - people doubtless gossip about me too, so it's "Jamal Good", as Lori says. And Cory, Erica, Erin, and I are making plans to go out and tie one on purty soon (provided that Cory doesn't end up in jail first‡).

Erica and I are now walking buddies, which I absolutely need (one tip-off that my eating habits could conceivably be out of control was Sunday's breakfast consisting of 4 Toaster Strudel and an entire, very large bar of Lindt white chocolate). I've lost 8+ lbs since January, but "that don't make no nebbermind", as they say in Gullah-speak where I come from - I still have 15 to go, as well as myriad hot-ass summer clothes to fit into, and the terrifying prospect of someone seeing me naked while I'm asleep and thus unable to suck in my spare tire.

Speaking o' sleep: better get some (I haven't been doing that much lately, what with finishing the new Stephen King, toe-biting banzai felines, and the two ulcers caused by my former pain-in-the-ass trainee)...



‡ Regrettably, this is not a joke.
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [Nov. 1st, 2006|10:21 pm]
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Saw Casey and Mike tonight! Caught up on all the family gossip, which entailed marriages, moves, and the absolutely tragic fact that we will not be having one of our famous 50-person family Thanksgivings this year (am currently in depths of despair re: that).

She looks fabulous (hey, maybe I could do with a touch of E.coli and a dash of sepsis, too!) and more importantly, the two of them seem genuinely happy. I couldn't be gladder!

Last night was amazing; drinks in moderation at The Great Lost Bear (nee "The Grizzly Bear"), and then lots of interesting conversation and lots of [CENSORED]. Poor baby didn't feel so hot today, though, and called out sick; I like to think that it is my dreadfully high caliber of booty that has that effect on men. (It fells them like the mighty oak! Hee hee...)

So anyway, by the end of the weekend, must also:

* rake/bag tens of thousands of effing leaves

* go to yoga (alone, but I forgive you both this time)

* see Nanna (and possibly Kate) + give her her fabulous handmade Christmas present before she goes jetting off to the land of schadenfreude, Gotterdammerung, and Marlene Dietrich

* library (if I can swing it)

* goddamn essay (see above)

Honestly, it's a schedule busy enough to make a girl throw up her hands and just say "Farfegnuggen!"...
Link2 Heathers What's your damage?

(no subject) [Aug. 23rd, 2006|09:21 pm]
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[mood | loved]

I heart my Bubba so much (although his newest haircut is quite frankly a crime against nature)! I am a very lucky gor.

(Although earlier I was feeling paranoid & nervy because I had just finished the new Fay Weldon; one of her novels was entitled Worst Fears, but every single one of them could easily have been called that. She's wonderfully brilliant, but how can she be so cynical and still maintain any normative human relationships?)

Went to another damn doctor today for the ever-worsening allergies; said doc wrote me a new Rx and told me that my allergies, migraines, creaking joints, and minor weight gain would all doubtless be much improved by the introduction of yoga into my life. Now, people have been pestering me to start for years (Mum, my Evil Grandmother, Timmy, etc.), but I've been resistant because...well, my personality is obviously pretty high-strung and combative. Asking me of all people to do anything remotely reminiscent of meditation seems unnatural and wrong somehow. And I just don't want inner peace! But some outer, physical peace would be nice, so I caved: I'll go.

Before I do, though, another project looms large - the basement. It's old and mildew-y and contains about 15 years of teaching stuff and children's books that M. has been saving for her classroom, and 20 years of old clothes and books that I've been schlepping around from move to move because they have sentimental value.

But, loath as I am to throw away anything even potentially useful, I must own that our basement (and the crap therein) is quite probably the reason we both have chronic respiratory problems. Thinking back on it, I never had allergies before I moved into this house! Instead of new, year-round allergies simply being an ageing thing, they are quite possibly environmental; I've suspected as much for years, but the enormity and the expense of the job precluded my doing anything about it. (I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I am my body's worst enemy most of the time.)

Collages tomorrow, darlings? C'mon, Erica - you know you want to...!
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [May. 4th, 2006|09:16 pm]
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Vell, Tod has got himself hired at ICare - knew he would. The downside? His Jeep will no longer smell like garlic, which I'll miss. (Speaking of garlic, last night we went to Pat's Pizza to celebrate and had shrimp scampi in Fettucine Alfredo - absolutely friggin' amazing, y'all.) The upside? Obviously, we'll be able to see more of each other. Good stuff, that. Now, if only his best friend wasn't trying to ruin his life...

Ehrm...what else? This "weekend" I pruned and trained the wisteria, planted some hollyhocks, weeded a great deal, relocated hundreds of worms - I am the Stalin of the gardening world! - and transplanted some ferns. I also disposed of a great many slugs, which, I'm sure we can all agree, are the primary enemies of the People.

I am given to understand that one of my literary heroines, Miss Marple, also has an aversion to slugs. In addition to that, we share an understandable interest in village gossip (I seem to figure in it rather a lot - hence the interest), an affinity for murders (although I would preferably be on the "committing" end rather than the "solving" one), and a love of tea. Possibly we are long-lost relations (her fictional character-hood notwithstanding)! Hey, I also claim kinship with Scarlett O'Hara - fictional ancestors are so much more interesting, not to mention apt, than a bunch of namby-pamby Puritan types.

Um...also, yesterday I petted a toad. I did not receive any warts.

That is all.
LinkWhat's your damage?

*knock on wood* [Apr. 28th, 2006|12:33 pm]
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[ambiance |Heather Nova - "Walking Higher"]

I can't tell you all how much I needed this Spring to arrive and, consequently, for my entire world to be new again. Let's review, shall we?:

* New job: No arbitrary firings! Supervisors who really stand up for me, and tell when I'm doing a good job! Benefits already! Paid sick days soon! Fabulous lesbian co-workers! In short...

...in your face, æ, in your motherfucking face!!!

* New start to our relationship. God, I love this guy. He is constantly surprising me, he's too much fun, and he's cute as hell. ;-D

* New green things and buds and flowers! I spent two hours weeding/clearing today; I do some of my best thinking when I'm gardening. Either that, or I totally lose myself in it - sometimes it can be very Zen. I think that yesterday was my real May Day celebration...who needs a pole? (Wait, don't answer that.)

* Newly re-decorated attic (still in progress) - it no longer looks like a Victorian opium den inside of a forest. It's much lighter and airier; the effect is very restful and harmonious.

* New lease on spirituality - I seem to be leaning towards my inner "good witch" now. You know - wanting everybody to be happy, etc.? (Oh, don't worry; I'm sure I'll be over it once Autumn comes).

* New diet - it is called "The Carrot of Hope", and it is extremely simple. I try to fill up said Carrot until it is nice and orange by losing lbs. (right now it is like a sickly Parsnip, but I've just started; I'll put an updated version online when I damn well feel like it). I must strive to be good enough for my Carrot!

(I know, I'm insane. Shut it.)
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [Apr. 22nd, 2006|10:09 pm]
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[mood | loved]

I have the best boyfriend in the world.
Link2 Heathers What's your damage?

(no subject) [Apr. 13th, 2006|07:22 pm]
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[ambiance |Cyprus Hill - "Insane and the Membrane"]

Just saw my favorite EPT commercial:

"I can't seem to concentrate...could I be pregnant?"

No, honey, but you could be borderline retarded. No wonder some people need the Error-Proof Test - this chick probably can't even pee on a stick without injuring herself ("Ow, my EYE!").

Freaks...

This "weekend" (i.e., Wednesday - Friday) I did some much-needed weeding and clean-up in the garden until my muscles shook from exhaustion and my fingers bled (so Bryan Adams and his stupid ol' six-string needn't think they're so damn special). It's hard work, especially with a good-sized garden like mine. Gardening (to coin a phrase) is not for pansies.

Ran into American Dave in the grocery store the other day; I'm jealous of his travels, but still don't dig how human-rights violate-y the Chinese can be. Tried to get him to apply to ICare because I think he would like it, and because I always like having eye-candy at work, but the mofo doesn't have a car (out of curiosity, how did you get to Hannaford? via rickshaw?). However, if the person whom I did convince to apply gets hired, there will be eye-candy a-plenty. (Or rather, ICandy.)

Speaking of...

The last time T. and I decided to start dating again (this is attempt #47, for those of you who are still keeping count), he kinda freaked me out by telling me that he doesn't trust women in general all that much. At first I was all, "Heresy! Burn the misogynist!" But then I realized that that's probably why I've never worried about him and other women, a trait of his that I've always liked.

And I'm ashamed to say that, to some extent, I feel the same way about men in general. I mean, I keep having to reiterate to specific male friends (no one who reads this journal; don't freak out, dude) that just because we're hanging out does not mean that they're gonna get laid. It's friggin' exhausting, and it ultimately means that I avoid seeing them too often so I don't have to fend them off all the damn time. And then of course there was my infamous "Other People's Men" phase. Men who were already attached were safe, in a perverse kind of way, because I knew that they were already with someone else, and so I could never find out that they'd cheated on me and feel betrayed.

My twisted little psyche amazes even me sometimes.

* * *


If you ever need a schaudenfreude boost, you should definitely see "Monster" with Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci. It is incredibly squalid and tragic, but it will totally make you glad that you're not a snaggle-toothed, acid-wash-clad hooker in the Bible Belt.

Not that you weren't anyway...
Link2 Heathers What's your damage?

(no subject) [Apr. 8th, 2006|09:35 am]
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ANU! OMG, I am seriously (Brian) about to have a big ol' coronary thrombosis right here on the spot!

She's still gorgeous (she says she's gained weight since high school, but then, haven't we all), and is married!! to friggin' JEREMY!!! As with Brandon, I'm really surprised that she's not famous yet; she was the "it girl" at our school. Think of the song "Josie" - "she's the raw flame, the live wire" - all that cryptic Aja business. All that aside, though, her friendship was one of the ones that helped make me the person I am today (and not so incidentally, helped me have so much fun senior year), and I am majorly psyched that she found me after lo these many these years.

Anu (on the left) and her mother:


Man, that is hella crazy. It was definitely a day of surprises...

Saw T. last night. We ended up running out of gas (hey, he had a lot on his mind) and then I locked us out of the Jeep (hey, I have no mind to speak of), and then we had to depend upon the kindness of some rather bemused strangers with a cell phone. And Skip, of course. And a car of people who gave us cigarettes. It was all pretty funny, actually.

And I am happy. Now. Still. Whatever. This feels like the right thing to be doing, so I'm going with it.

I am gonna catch so much shit because of this, though. (I SO blame Greg Behrendt. He's like a spiky-haired advice monster standing on my shoulder, telling me to stop seeing Tod, and, quite incidentally, banging me in the neck with his wallet chain.)

(P.S.:

We were listening to WCYY last night, and AIC's "Man in the Box" came on. There's this lyric fragments: "Buried in my shit". So, what does CYY do with the latter word? Do they bleep it, or blank it out? No. They, in their infinite wisdom, replace it with the word "fish". Yeah, you heard me. "Buried in my fish".

I thought I'd misheard it at first, but the next verse, with its repetition of the offending word, was even more inappropriate. "I am the dog who gets beat / shove my nose in fish!"

If their goal is to confuse an entire new generation of listeners that has never heard the unretouched original, and to render immobile with hysterical laughter an entire generation of Gen-Xers that has, they're doing a stellar job. Bite me, CYY.)
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [Mar. 26th, 2006|04:41 pm]
[Tags|]

I just had a sort of epiphany - I think the reason he and I never quite meshed is that he just doesn't seem to love being alive right now. You know, waking up every day with a million things that you want to do, or being so in love with an interest that you just want to yell or sing? When I hear stories about when he was younger, he was a friggin' live wire, but now, despite the occasional flashes of brightness, I generally always get a sort of a fatalistic, "my life sucks" kind of ethos from him.

No wonder this happened. I still think he should have been more honest with me about the way he felt, but I'm no longer angry at him, just sad. I wish that he would finally do something to make himself love life again. Because you can't escape forever...
LinkWhat's your damage?

In Which Our Protagonist: [Mar. 17th, 2006|02:34 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[ambiance |...Donald Fagen - "The Great Pagoda of Funn"...]

* does not take the garbage out

* goes to Dre's and meets a real-life "escort"! And the escort's real-life boyfriend! And an adorably violent cat named Fuji

* drinks

* goes to Amigo's and runs into Weston; despairs of never not running into Weston, ever, at any bar within the tri-state area

* remembers belatedly that she still has not taken the garbage out; drinks some more

* is complimented several times upon her rack

* decides that women are bitches, on the grounds that several of the ones she knows do not seem even remotely overjoyed to see her; later decides that they are just jealous of the rack

* drinks a lot more

* meets a rather charming couple named Darren (?) and Serena, the latter of whom is a real-life rock star! (Er something...)

* staggers over to Dre's house to watch "Family Guy"

* staggers over to Tod's house to crash

* instead of crashing, she and T. watch movies and sing Jimmy Buffet on the guitar and talk and [CENSORED] like bunnies until 4-ish

* realizes that she would probably love T. even if he were to murder a nun in her car; hopes that this will not be necessary

* finally goes to sleep, still having not taken the motherfucking garbage out.
Link2 Heathers What's your damage?

"Oh, snap! You just got served by JESUS!" [Feb. 23rd, 2006|03:39 am]
[Tags|, ]
[mood | serene]

(I woke up with that in my head and thought it was funny. I have no idea what it means.)

Maybe it's just reaction to the stress of all that training I just did at work, or maybe it's due to my LSAT anxieties, but lately I've been having learning environment-related nightmares. In one of them, I was back at æ and Tuyet was training me to be a supervisor but then she told me I was too stupid to be one and started training someone else (Nikkiah had a good laugh over that one). And in the one I just had, Tod and I were both taking a class about Charles Dickens and the professor told me that I was pretentious, so I began orchestrating a campaign to ruin his life. (They sound silly when I write about them, but they were both pretty traumatic.)

Spent another lovely day with T. - the other day he told me that he'd been considering going back to school (which I knew) to study Astronomy (which I didn't). He'd be brilliant at it; most of the television he watches is the Discovery Channel or the Learning Channel or the National Geographic channel, all of which regularly feature programs which fascinate him but bore me silly (the ones about physics and quarks and the speed of light and things...)

So that is one of my fondest hopes for him. I know he'd be much happier actively pursuing a goal that involves something he loves and is good at. He's way too smart to do call center work for the rest of his life, innit? (But then, I always felt that way about at least half of the people I knew at æ.)

So. Exciting plans for my three-day weekend:

* get my first uninterrupted night's sleep in months (cuz I have a door!)

* not get sick

* work on the afghan I'm knitting (I've been freezing my tuchis off at work in those cute little skirts...)

* lose some more weight

* brush the kitten's teeth (should maybe first receive absolution/Last Rites from handy priest)

* read some H. P. Lovecraft (if I survive aforementioned kitten dentition endeavor)

I have said kitten voluntarily ensconced and purring in my lap, and the other three are jealously waiting for their turn. And I just made up from a spat with a friend. And Dubya's corporate masters have (finally!) gone too far with this Dubai thing and there may be serious political fallout.

*happy sigh*
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [Feb. 1st, 2006|06:45 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[ambiance |..."South Park" - the "Underpants Gnomes"...]

What I learned today:

I cannot be irresistible to every man alive. I have, in fact, been incredibly lucky in that for years, every guy I wanted has enthusiastically acquiesced. And when they don't, this does not mean that I am unattractive or unloveable! I just have to get out of this "everyone must want Lucy; otherwise, Lucy doesn't exist" mentality ‡.

K. Other news: my Saab mechanics, presumably feeling a tad guilty because they sold me a car that only lasted for 2 years despite having many thousands of $s funnelled into it, have agreed to buy a used Saab from someone, go over it with the proverbial fine-toothed yaddah, and sell it to me via a payment plan. They think they'll have something for me within the week. It may not be my beloved car, but it may well be similar, and this way I won't have to find another mechanic. So: fair deal.

T. just wrote; he is now working only one job at the mortgage company, and thus has more free time in which to hang out. (And I think that for now, it should be just hanging out; I tend to get alarmingly domestic when it gets more complicated. Of course, we'll see how long this fatwa on foolin' around lasts; I have slightly less willpower than the average locust.)

Training is now officially over. Technically, we're supposed to "precept" for a week, but today I wheedled several of the people with whom I listened to let me take calls anyway. I was SO bored with just listening, and when I talk but don't type, or vice versa, I feel as if my brain and my hands are in seperate rooms - unpleasant! Another factor is that I spent so long feeling unappreciated at æ that now I'm getting all this positive feedback from my bosses and I want to be worthy of it. And, yes: I'm also verrrrry competitive; simply put, I want to be the best.

The latter: call it hubris, but I've felt this way for years. One of my chief regrets is that I wasn't able to maintain my 4.0 (junior year) in college; after 5+ years I was just so exhausted that I let myself get lackadaisical, and even lost my Summa after graduation. Work and law school are further opportunities for redemption, if you will.

Oy - so much self-analysis is giving me a headache. Time to go back to thinking about nail polish, and how much Massachusetts attorney Bill Fallon looks like a 70s-era porn star, and other lighthearted topics of that nature...





‡ If you know which TV show that line is paraphrasing, then you are probably just as much of an addict as I am, and I pity yo' ass. (Fool!)
LinkWhat's your damage?

Ooof. [Jan. 24th, 2006|12:10 am]
[Tags|, ]
[ambiance |...Ben Taylor - "Island"...]

Today was a very very very long day, but it wasn't bad, really; training is alternately interesting or tedious, but it should get more hands-on pretty soon. My biggest complaint is the chairs in the training room, which are a literal pain in my ass. But everybody is insanely nice, and of course I already know about half the people there, and will soon know more, if K. gets his way. Mooahahaha! Mwahahahahahaha!!! MwAHA-

*hack* *sputter* *wheeze*

(Shoveling all that snow just now seems to have given me a pulmonary complaint; my lungs feel kind of flooded, which is forcing me to postpone my evil laughter until I feel better. Curses!)

...Anyway, I am grateful beyond words to be in such a positive environment. C'mon, Smithers; jump on board!

I have been missing Tod a great deal today; I just have this *ache* in the pit of my stomach, and my mind is woebegone. Not sure exactly why - part of it has to do with hearing "Peaceful, Easy Feeling" on the radio while I was driving home (which he used to play for me on the guitar)...and part of it is just simple loneliness...and part of it is not being in constant contact with one of my best friends...and part of it is thinking about "what might have been" (as impossibly trite as that phrase is and I would delete it and think of something less hackneyed but I am so very tired right now so fuck it all anyway).

Because now I can't be content with my old plans for the future! I still want the successful law career, to be followed by an equally successful judgeship. And several cats, and a farmhouse with several acres somewhere Southern. But now I also want someone with whom to share that; frankly, I'm amazed at how bleedin' conventional Tod has helped me become in that respect (sometimes I feel almost resentful)!

Future notwithstanding, it is his turn to get in touch with me; I made that perfectly clear to him, and I am not going to fall into the old patterns again of being the only one to call, visit, etc. Although, should he choose to remain incommunicado for weeks or months at a time, I am going to have one seriously bruised psyche.

I wish I knew how he feels about me now...
Link2 Heathers What's your damage?

(no subject) [Jan. 11th, 2006|07:24 pm]
[Tags|, , ]

Would anyone care to enlighten me as to why the size 10 Ann Taylor wool pants I got at the thrift shop (I generally wear a 6) are too tight, but another of my new acquisitions, a top from the Limited Too (which is, as any self-respecting mall-walker [is that an oxymoron?] should know, is a store for "tweens") fits just fine, with nary a bulge? Has the world gone mad? Or is all Ann Taylor clothing made in sweatshops by tiny Bangladeshi women? Frankly, I'm not sure which I find more disturbing.

Alan Dershowitz just said something interesting (and I'm paraphrasing a little): "If the Supreme Court were to overturn Roe v. Wade, that would be the greatest gift that the Court could give to the Democratic Party." I see his point, but I'm not sure, given the Court's decision in the 2000 election and the myriad abuses that Congress and the Bush Administration have already gotten away with, whether even that would be sufficient to prematurely oust the current regime, or (given how undeniably partisan politics have become) whether +50% of Americans would either be pro-choice or outraged enough by the Court's gross overreaching to make the switch to a Democratic candidate next election. I mean, more than half of the country was moronic enough to vote for that joker (in the second election, at least), right? I am intensely alarmed by the fact there are currently no checks or balances in our government; one party was never meant to control all three bodies!

Speaking of said joker, he is still blaming critics of the war for Iraq's disunity. Um...I know that he doesn't read newspapers, or any book besides the Bible, but don't you think that one of his aides might have put a bug in his ear about the People's predilection for free speech? Loser. (And while I'm criticizing, I just saw a picture of Antonin Scalia, and he looks like a heart attack in a robe. Now that is one cat whose replacement has got to be less extreme than he is. I just hope that he takes his nitro pills like a good boy until after the next election, so that when he kicks off we actually have a hope of getting someone less overtly partisan in there.)

* * * * *


As much as I adore my current squeeze (who I'm sure would prefer to remain nameless, due to my propensity for putting my dirty laundry online to air in the sunshine of brutal honesty, driving away the mustiness of stale metaphors)...

Shit. What was I talking about?

Ah, yes...to resume, I am still as convinced as ever that we have no future. We may share some striking similarities (and honestly, who doesn't? For example, we both have hair. And we both enjoy food! Not exactly kismet), but ultimately our goals and interests are too dissimilar. I can't figure out how to tell him this; maybe I'm hoping that he'll read this entry and my work will be done for me. (Since I came to this particular realization around Christmastime, does that make me a Noel Coward? [Rim shot.])

Equally as important, there is Tod. Or is there? I'm not even sure yet whether he wants anything from me besides friendship. At any rate, I clearly need to get my head together first, chemically speaking. And he needs to become less ambivalent about achieving his goals and (if indeed he is still interested) less ambivalent about me.
Link4 Heathers What's your damage?

This is getting kind of ridiculous. [Jan. 6th, 2006|02:50 am]
[Tags|, ]
[mood | dumb(founded)]
[ambiance |...Steely Dan - "Any Major Dude Will Tell You"...]

Holy crap in the morning; how many of you are there out there, lurking in the ether?

I doubt that I'll make this puppy "Friends Only", because I have met some amazing people by them stumbling onto my journal, or vice versa, but I do appreciate (nay, require!) occasional feedback.

So: if I actually know you from "real life", please do the girl a solid and post an anonymous comment once in awhile? Y'all know I'm among the unemployed, and after all:

If you prick us, do we not bleed?

If you call us at home, do we not occasionally come this close to answering, "Thank you for calling _______; we now offer air, hotels, and cell phones!" and then feel like a major douche?

If you jestingly yell, "Queue calls for a minute!", do we not prick up our ears and take notice, even though we have not worked there in months and will feel a hideous sense of shame and self-loathing and will probably have an æ nightmare later that same night?

I'm pretty sure we do.

Anyway...

I was telling my most persistent suitor the other day (and T. a few hours ago) that I don't believe in soulmates. And I honestly don't, in the sense that most people use the word, the "there'll only ever be one great love for me in this entire crazy, mixed-up world!" sense.

Forget that shit. It's cheap sentimentality, and adhering to it will deprive you of many satisfying, loving (if not earth-shaking) relationships. But I do believe, in a semi-articulated kind of way (it's nearing 3 and I haven't slept yet), that every once in a long while one meets a person that is integral to one's life in a way that defies explanation or normative social boundaries, people with whom you can share pretty much anything. They could be family members, loves, or friends that you only see once a year, but as soon as you do see them again, it's as if you're carrying on a conversation that you only postponed yesterday. Simply put, you just need these people to exist, for your sanity's sake, and it causes you actual physical pain to be disconnected from them for too long.

For me, my mother is one of these people, because our incredible similarities and that weird psychic thing. Stuart is one of these people, and it's not just because I'm a fag-hag. Arthur is one of these people. And it's pretty obvious, even if I was too obtuse to recognize it until it slapped me silly, that Tod is also one of these people.

To conclude: please be extra good to your soul-mates once you've recognized them! Don't be afraid to tell them when they're wrong or blatantly pissing you off, but...just treat your relationship with extra care, as with a bonsai tree or an orchid†; you're only lucky enough to meet a handful of people like this in your life. Please appreciate them.




† This is quite possibly the lamest simile I've ever made, and I apologize for any distress that reading it may have caused you.
LinkWhat's your damage?

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