Home

Advertisement

~*~ Crabby Chic ~*~ [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Bitchery Through The Ages

[ My Profile: | userinfo ]
[ My Sordid Past: | journal archives ]
[ My Greatest Hits: | selected memories ]
[ My Scrapbook: | selected photos ]

Links
[All About Evil:| ~*~Greatest Hits~*~ Lucy-Fur~*~ ~*~Japanese Engrish~*~ ~*~Cracked~*~ ]

(no subject) [Apr. 20th, 2006|07:07 pm]
[Tags|, , ]
[mood | exhausted]
[ambiance |Steely Dan - "Your Gold Teeth"]

I love how much of a pussy Scott McClellan is - one nudge from Josh Bolton and he friggin' topples. Ari Fleischer, now - he was a complete dick, but at least you could afford him some grudging respect; the man would not back down. Hm - Rove driven away from policy-making, too. We've got 'em running scared now...

So we're poor again - we bought a Dell last week to replace our poor old NEC, and then also ended up having to shell out more than a grand to those extortionists at Back Bay. (I can't be too angry with them, though; one of their mechanics told my mother that he thought I was still college-aged. Why can't he work as a bouncer? I'll bet he would card me.)

So the new computer is black and sleek and sexy, but it came with Earthlink, whose representatives managed to screw up some crucial aspect of every service call I made. Possibly this is because they are all from Micronesia and therefore have the English proficiency of...well, Micronesians. Even repeated phoenetic spellings didn't break the language barrier - my mother ended up being called "Nartha" on her screen name and "Patrick" (?) on her e-mail account, and they couldn't seem to change either of these names or even ascertain why this might be a problem. (Maybe there are lots of "Nartha"s in Guam...)

That might not have been the end of the world (wait, Micronesia is at the end of the world!), but when I was finally able to connect Nartha/Patrick to Earthlink, their entire system was Byzantine and counterintuitive. Perfectly valid passwords, accurately typed in the correct case, only worked some of the time. New screen-names were apparently only creatable via one of the Yapese CS reps, and we couldn't understand each other anyway.

The fifth call I made was the only satisfying one, wherein I cancelled my Earthlink membership after 3 endless hours of frustration. The representative (a native English speaker, ironically enough) apologized profusely and hoped that once I had gotten over my understandable irritation, I would consider using them in the future. I assented (lying through my teeth, of course).

Bleah.

* * *


"Your fortune is your roving eye/ Your mouth and legs/ Your gift for the runaround..."

Donald, you scurvy dog; you know me too well.
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [Apr. 17th, 2006|05:52 pm]
[Tags|, , ]

Yesterday sucked (how you say? ah, yes...) unadulterated ass. The only redeeming qualities were:

a.) I may well have saved (at least) one life
b.) Tod
c.) in a few weeks I'll never have to put up with Nodick...sorry, NOAH...again. Unless, of course, he is unfortunate enough to cross my path. (I would suggest that he doesn't.)

The rest of the day doesn't really bear talking about (an unwelcome interruption at a very bad time, not enough sleep, my 8th popped tire in about 3 years, etc.), but I do need to vent about the stupidest person in (judging from their standardized test scores, anyway) a state full of really damn stupid people:

The caller came in on one of our many physician referral phone lines. She was looking for the number of the cardiologist who treated _insert name of deceased famous activist here_, but she didn't have the name, address, or any other identifying information. This was for her husband, who was having chest pains, whose entire arm was numb (which he was holding in the air at an unnatural angle) and who was lurching around unsteadily, seeming disoriented!

I immediately went into "red flag" mode and strongly suggested that she speak with a nurse or dial 911. Usually triage isn't an option for referral services, but if it's a dire emergency we can override that. No, but she really wanted that doctor (who, of course, I have no way of finding by reputation alone - my computer just don't roll that way, yo). I suggested again that her husband seek more immediate attention, as this was a time of day when all of the medical practices in the area would be closed. She wanted the names of several more cardiologists. "Oh, and while we're at it, could I look up some internists? My husband doesn't have a primary care physician, either." (Meanwhile, the entire time, my mind's eye was picturing the poor old guy staggering around in the throes of stroke or cardiac arrest.)

After what seemed like an eternity, I finally got done giving her the names, addresses, and credentials of 6 doctors (by this time, I envisioned him lying on the floor, arm still raised, tongue blue and gasping like a landed carp). Only then, FINALLY, she let me transfer her to a nurse.

I listened to the nurse's disposition later, and found out that the guy was on about 3 different heart meds (well, quelle friggin' surprise). At one point in the woman's conversation with the nurse, the man actually got into his car and left (presumably heading for the hills, arm in the air, before his cretin of a wife finally succeeded in killing him). The nurse, who is a total sweetheart, kept gently but insistently advising immediate medical attention, but the woman repeatedly said, in casual tones, "No, I don't think he needs to be seen today..." Finally, though, she consented to take him in.

%*@$&#!

So that was yesterday...

I just got a call from a potential employer who received my resume and cover letter back in December and is very interested in interviewing me. I think I'll call him back promptly this September.
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [Mar. 9th, 2006|08:06 pm]
[Tags|, ]

For Lent I am giving up buying unnecessary things, because lately I seem to have fallen prey to the sense of entitlement that I suspect lurks in the breast of every American. Recently I've bought several "Shabby Chic" bits of furniture/home decor. And material for new curtains. And a full set of this rather nice lingerie:


But I hit bottom about a week ago, and folks, it was friggin' ugly. A mixture of morbid curiosity and an attempt to do a favor for my aging mother drove me to peer into the abyss that mortals have named "The Christmas Tree Shop", and the hellish 10 minutes or so that I spent in that establishment restored my sanity. The roiling throngs of desperate middle-aged people trying to achieve happiness through cheap crap made me so horrified and claustrophobic that I was made forcibly aware of the danger that I had been courting. Needless to say, I got my sweet ass out of there, post-haste. (The Gothic tone of the above paragraph leads me to believe that I should ease up on the H.P. Lovecraft just a tad.)

Well, I'm done; I need to get my mind serene (as Richard Ginelli was wont to say), and that cannot be done through acquisitiveness. It's time to resume my customary thriftiness. ('Cept, of course, that "Morph The Cat" debuts in about a week, and I've been planning to buy that particuar album for months. But after that...!)

* * *


The Oscars were unexpectedly interesting, due in no small part to the divine Mr. Jon Stewart (nee Liebowitz). I didn't see the entire show, of course, but I did get to see my ultimate Hollywood crush receive his first Oscar. And can I just say that George Clooney is as close to a Greek god as a person can get? (No, I don't know which one; Apollo, probably.) He is gorgeous, funny, smart, gentlemanly, charismatic, and talented - he is the type of man that every woman dreams of, and somebody needs to clone his ass, pronto.


* * *


And now for today's World's Stupidest Goddamn Person award: y'all see that news story about the cheerleader who injured her back on the basketball court but kept on cheering, complete with hand-gestures, as they wheeled her away on the gurney? At first I assumed that she'd incurred some kind of serious brain damage, as no one but a complete cretin would have kept flailing their arms around after a serious neck/back injury (the possibilities for permanent spine/nerve damage are painfully obvious). However, I later ascertained that she is, in fact, a complete cretin. Apparently, she was so averse to the idea of her accident detracting from peoples' enjoyment of the game (or, god forbid, the team losing) that she was willing to become a lifelong quadruplegic. ("Yaaaaaaaay, BEDSORES!")

* * *


Here's what I like: Neil Young was just on "The Daily Show" and the man was positively beaming. Maybe it's because so many of his songs - "Southern Man", "Ohio", "Keep on Rockin' in the Free Blah", etc. - are protest-oriented, but in concert footage he always seems to be glowering or pensive. I love seeing someone that I've loved for years (after all, he is my father's side of the family's de facto patron saint) finally looking so happy.

Here's what I hate: post-nasal drip
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [Mar. 3rd, 2006|10:50 pm]
[Tags|]

My fellow Americans:
I'd like to ask that, before you name your child one of these names, you take the time to think about what the following words really mean:

Cooper = one who makes barrels
Trucker = one who drives a truck
Parker = one who parks
Chandler = one who makes candles
Tanner = one who tans leather
Conner = one who cons
Weaver = one who weaves

Now, all of these are perfectly valid, respectable last names, but turning any one of these into a first name will mark your child forever as either:

a.) the offspring of pretentious Yuppies, or:
b.) white trash

But doing the converse and naming your kid "Gentry" to make him sound well-heeled won't help, either, so don't even think about it.

What's that you say? I'm an elitist asshole? Yep. But at least my kids aren't gonna be scarred for life because they were named Taylor or Baylor or Baker. No, I'll find other, more creative ways to scar them.
Link5 Heathers What's your damage?

How do I hate this friggin' holiday? Let me count the ways... [Feb. 13th, 2006|06:44 am]
[Tags|]
[mood | blah]

Is it because I'm single?
Sorta.

Is it because I have a deeply-rooted secret fear of fire-engine-red teddy bears holding balloons on sticks?
Pretty much.

Is it because only one day out of 365 is set aside for love?
Yep.

Is it because February 14th is an unabashed appeal to the conspicuously consumptive natures of Americans?
Partly...

It's also because tomorrow I'll see and hear about some of the least lovable people I know being nonetheless showered with affection and stuff.

It's because, if I'm dating someone, I never get anything from them for Valentine's Day. I'm not a materialistic person, but at least make the gesture! Impress me, or at least try. If you don't, I'll feel defective, as if I don't deserve flowers and romance. And then all my friends will hate you.

It's because years ago, the last time I was dating someone and he got me something for that accursed holiday, it was a $2 mood ring that he'd clearly bought from a convenience store minutes before. (Guys? On behalf of women everywhere? Don't do that.)

I am a shallow creature. Still hurts, though...
Link6 Heathers What's your damage?

Nicky, Don't Bruise That Lumbar [Feb. 8th, 2006|06:01 am]
[Tags|, ]

OW. Yesterday I fell and bruised/scraped off most of the skin on my back and neck. And all of my muscles ache.

Recently I have been disappointed in a great many people who ought to have known better. For example, Coretta Scott King's funeral in Atlanta ought to have been decorous and reflective. Instead, it was marred by numerous instances of self-aggrandizing, political grandstanding, and even one shameless plug: Teddy Kennedy brought up his sainted brothers' M.L. King connection, Bill Clinton hyped his wife's presidential bid, and even my boy Jimmy Carter acted like a douche and brought up several perfectly valid political points that were nonetheless totally inappropriate at a funeral! As if all that wasn't bad enough, Michael fucking Bolton was there! Complete travesty, dude.

As for the riots that were sparked by this rather trite cartoon of the Prophet Muhammed: good job defusing the Western perception of Islam as a violence-based religion, guys - way to go! (Heh...I said "defuse", get it? Ooops - I made a tasteless pun AND I posted the evil cartoon! Now I may have to go be "roomies" with Salman Rushdie for a while...)

Finally, I am disappointed with angry mobs, who have yet again failed to lynch Britney Spears. Not that any have even tried, which is even more disappointing.

On a positive note, I am totally thrilled about the news of the "lost jungle" in Indonesia; it's hard to imagine a place with undiscovered species of mammals, birds, reptiles, etc., many of whom have no ingrained fear of humans! The pictures of that scientist happily cuddling with the homely little tree kangaroo absolutely made my week. Please, let us not screw this place up too...!

Now I'm gonna go curl up in the fetal position and do a bit more aching; if anybody wants me, I'll be the one emitting sporadic low moans...
LinkWhat's your damage?

I am so tired of this shit! [Jan. 18th, 2006|08:43 pm]
[Tags|]

I got an interesting (read: disturbing) call just now; a kind of buddy of mine was trying to secure a ride somewhere, and apparently his significant other didn't like the fact that he was talking to me (maybe because of my less-than-sterling reputation?) and started yelling at him while I was still on the phone.

I'm not sure why, but it sort of bothered me...I guess it's because I've already been a bone of contention (albeit voluntarily) in a couple of relationships, and I'll be damned if I'm going to get dragged into another one. Clearly the guy was just baiting her (he really was being very obnoxious), but I won't be used as a pawn against anyone; I have problems enough without this kind of psychodramatic game-playing.

And goddammit, I also resent the fact that people can be such goddamn hypocrites! The number of people that I've slept with can be counted on both hands, with several fingers left over. I was engaged (more or less) to two out of those eight. Of the six remaining, most were long-term (i.e., over a year) arrangements. And I honestly don't plan on sleeping with many (if any) more guys.

These are not ridiculously high numbers, and I'm relatively sure that a lot of the same people who have condemned me for being a ho-bunny have been a lot more promiscuous than I have. But because I haven't been secretive about my non-monogamous phase, I got branded as a slut. And it makes me wonder now about how much static Tod got about that when we were together that he didn't tell me about. Sure, I'm pretty damn cool, which tends to mitigate the "hoochie" label somewhat, but it still can't have been too pleasant.

So I'm only gonna say this once: I may be a nice convenient scapegoat, but don't believe everything you hear (hee...if I'd slept with even half of the men with whom my name has been linked, I'd be ravaged by disease and totally unable to walk). Trust me, I have neither raped nor pillaged in a long time! Your menfolk are safe.
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [Jan. 8th, 2006|04:57 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]

I had a very clear dream last night that more or less told me that I needed to do a spell. Well, yes ma'am! It told me which herbs and stones to use and everything. Might have been nice if it'd told me what it was for, but I suppose I'll figure that part out. I never ignore my dreams when they tell me I should do something. I may have stupid pseudo-premonitions that fucking never come true, but my dreams are always highly dependable and frequently informative. Wish there was something like a head-cleaner for premonitions, though; those would be incredibly helpful, if they actually worked.

Just managed to sort of install our new TV and DVD/VCR, which I suppose means that now we have to start locking our doors. But am I supposed to have 3 remote controls but only one of them that can work the volume? Is that what "MONO+SAP" means? And what the hell kind of cables am I supposed to get (A.S.A.P.) so the DVD/VCR can communicate with the TV? And what is LCD? Is my LCD M.I.A.? I feel like I've taken lots of LSD.

I cannot believe that that insipid Star Jones-Reynolds feels perfectly entitled to give people advice now that she no longer looks like an overinflated basketball. She and her husband are merely parasitic, materialistic media whores, for the love of Jimmy Choo! And the title of her book is Shine; maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it seems like hubris to name your autobiography the same title as an Oscar-winning film about a genius just because your name is "Star". Twit.

*happy sigh*
I am so relieved about the resignation of Tom Delay, the public stoning of Jack Abramoff, et. al. As Divine once said, "It's the times, Wilbur; they're a-changin' [...] Fetch me my diet pills, would you, hon?"
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [Jan. 6th, 2006|12:15 am]
[Tags|]
[mood | anticipatory]

So, felicidad and congratulations and things to my mother's future husband, Jon Stewart, who's gonna host the Oscars! By god, I may actually have to watch the damn things...well, maybe just the opener; I'm not a total masochist.

Speaking of the Oscars (and masochism), I was just watching CNN, and the dewy blonde talking-head was talking about how controversial the nominees are (such as Brokeback Mountain, et. al.), and she said that "Crash" had "underlying themes of racism". Uh, excuse me? "Crash" took racism, bashed us over the head with it, honed it to a needle-fine point, and proceeded to fuck us all up our collective ass with it! Don't mistake me; it was a fine movie, and undeniably thought-provoking, but I believe that the word for which the nice lady was searching is "heavy-handed", not "underlying".

Huh. Call me a language-Nazi...

*pause here for the heckling/snickers to subside*

...but that's the problem with these pretty-young-thing-newscasters (both male and female); they glom onto a word or phrase that they hear, take a liking to it, and then use it relentlessly and inappropriately. The same holds true with phrases such as "one-dimensional" (stop it, goddammit! One-dimensional means a point; two-dimensional describes a line, which is what these semi-educated jackasses undoubtedly mean). And please don't get me started on "irregardless"...

Here's what I hate: hackneyed or erroneous language usage (and 1-ply toilet paper)

Here's what I like: hope
LinkWhat's your damage?

Big ol' scary changes in 2006? [Jan. 4th, 2006|10:29 am]
[Tags|, ]

Have been sorta maybe a little bit contemplating kinda taking a stand-up comedy workshop:

Pros:
* might increase my self-esteem
* might meet me some funny-ass sonsabitches
* might find out that I have some aptitude for stand-up

Cons:
* might decrease my self-esteem
* it's pretty goddamn expensive
Oh yes, and of course:
* the very idea scares the bejeezus out of me (not that I'm quite sure where said organ would be located...I think it's near the Breadbasket, or possibly Tennis Elbow).

Hmm. I'm not generally so indecisive. Somebody please make up my mind for me!

In other New Year's-resolutionesque ponderings (yeah, my verbose loquacity stuns even me occasionally), my Fatty must lose some weight! When Casey and Mike came over they were absolutely shocked by the Large One's girth (come to think of it, the fact that all of her nicknames are related in some way to her vastness can't be the best sign, either). Plus, now when I try to pick her up and instead heave a massive *groan!*, I am no longer being facetious. Cause homegirl's got back! And while I'm pondering, I have to admit that I personally could stand to shave off a pound or ten as well. Cause homegirl's got backfat.

On a serious note, I've been following the O'Brien civil trial, wherein the parents of a girl who threw a party for her teenage friends are being charged with negligence in the subsequent drunk driving deaths of two young girls who weren't even at the party. I believe that parents often deserve the lion's share of the blame in these chaperoned party-type situations, but this particular case borders on the absurd, and this Guy Rubin joker is muffing the case up something fierce. His opening statement was laughable, and he's going to lose his case.

These parents clearly took every reasonable precaution to keep the kids from drinking, but of course the sneaky little bastards were able to circumvent their safety measures. (Shit, remember when we were teenagers? We used the most Byzantine measures imaginable so that we could drink!) And the kid who plowed into the Cadillac and actually caused these two deaths only received 7 years in prison, a ridiculously short sentence.

Until juvenile offenders are held responsible for their own actions, drunk driving deaths will continue. Sure, you can always make the argument that teenagers often show a total disregard for their own mortality, but what if the states were to cede their authority on this issue to the government, and drunk driving penalties were increased regardless of age, locale, or individual situation (and said penalties were publicized in a national campaign)? For the love of Christ, take away their licenses for 15 years if they're caught driving while intoxicated! And put them in jail for 15 years if they kill someone! I guarantee you that if similar measures were implemented, they would prove an effective deterrent in the majority of cases.

*deep breath*

Ok, I think I'm done lecturing now.
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [Dec. 21st, 2005|09:40 pm]
[Tags|]
[mood | disgusted]

If you have named a child of either gender:

* Rylan

* Kalen (or Keighlynn)

* Carlin

* Codeigh

or any derivative of the above, then you are unequivocally a bad parent.

Yes, you.

Don't bother to deny it.
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [Dec. 12th, 2005|09:35 pm]
[Tags|]
[mood | defiant]

That poor creature whose boyfriend literally shot half her face off is on "Oprah" right now. Oprah says that she is still alive "by the grace of God", and it certainly seems something akin to miraculous. That said...

Her boyfriend first pulled a gun on her four years before he finally blew her face off (and actually succeeded in killing her mother). She was aware that he had a record. He told her numerous times that he was going to kill her; she says that she thought it was kind of "sweet".

I know that what I'm about to say sounds callous. But, as little as I condone domestic violence, I have to wonder whether this educated, seemingly intelligent woman was really a total cretin. How little sense do you have to have for you to perceive your boyfriend's death threats as "cute"? I realize that this is only my opinion, and it probably makes me an absolutely terrible feminist, but I can't help thinking that this woman brought a lot of these problems upon herself.

And now you may commence with the stone-throwing.
Link2 Heathers What's your damage?

(no subject) [Dec. 11th, 2005|02:24 am]
[Tags|, ]

¡H@pp¥ ƒrε@kïn' ßï®thd@¥, [info]patcheye!

Hey, did you hear about all those donkey shows that Sarah Jessica Parker used to do down in Tijuana? Oh, you didn't? Never mind. Uh...just forget I brought it up.

Warning: Liberal rhetoric tinged with heavy-handed sarcasm ahead; proceed at own risk!

In other news, I'm still furious about the air marshal gunning down that poor bipolar guy at the Miami apt. What, they couldn't arm them with tranquilizer guns? If one of those darts can take down a bull elephant, it should have no trouble with a human suspect, who would have then been incapacitated long enough to at least tie him up. And then if he had been a terrorist with a real bomb, we could have taken him down to Gitmo and tortured him later! Wouldn't that be fun?

But god forbid we deprive our protectors of the opportunity to use lethal force on the populace when the non-lethal kind would have worked just as well. After all, the Second Amendment says we get to shoot people! Hell, it practically encourages us to! After all, how else were the Founding Fathers supposed to keep those uppity slaves in their beds...I mean, "place"?

I can just see ol' Jeb ("Gomer") Bush plastering his new motto on all of the license plates: "Shoot First and Ask Questions (of the Bereaved Widow) Later: It's the Florida Way!" His momma should be so proud...
Link5 Heathers What's your damage?

It's Victoria Day</>! [May. 23rd, 2005|08:24 am]
[Tags|, , ]

This is a holiday for which I get a paid day off, presumably so I can better honor the memory of Queen Victoria and her enduring legacy of sexual repression, and so I can spend the day striving to become a better Canadian.

I find this slightly ironic, since with my current skills I would almost certainly be denied Canadian citizenship (were I able to pony up the necessary $$$ it takes to apply, that is). Also, there are legions of Quebecois whose English is perfect who nonetheless decline to speak with me every single day because I don't speak French. Were I to actually become Canadian, they would probably spit on me, too.

In other, less Francophilic news, David Gest and Kobe Bryant both want to testify at the Jackson trial as to Michael's sterling character. Um...does Michael Jackson not know anyone who isn't a total loser? And why was Sean Young not available?

Colors Insulting To Nature (by Cintra Wilson) is one of the best novels I've read in years; those of you who actually read non-Internet sources should definitely pick it up.

One painting finished; another begun!...I will bring it to Bubba's to show him, with the strict caveat that he must be honest about what he thinks. Me, I think it kicks ass.

Gotta wrap up my lengthy IM gossip session w/ Marc and hie me to bed now...getting up at 5:30 tomorrow, and I'm already getting blinky...
LinkWhat's your damage?

Slutz™ strikes again: [May. 14th, 2005|04:45 pm]
[Tags|]
[mood | disgusted]

This is just so incredibly wrong.



It wasn't bad enough for the toy designers/executives to portray young teenagers as vacuous sex objects; now we have Bratz "Babyz"! (Toy exec: "Why don't you make the blonde one thrust her pelvis out a bit more?") And we wonder why our children are becoming sexual at such young ages, and why pedophiles seem to be getting bolder.

Man, there had better be hella lawsuits in the Bratz's company's future...
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [May. 5th, 2005|01:56 am]
[Tags|]
[ambiance |...James Taylor - "Junkie's Lament"...]

Grrrrmph.

Hey, do any of you (the ones that live in New England, that is) have one of those nifty "Ding King"-type kits? My lovely car now has two prominent smushed in bits, one in each passenger-side door. Buggrit...

My boyfriend is adorably naive; he thinks that he is sometimes exchanging e-mails with Mischa Barton. I'm pretty sure that "Mischa" is in reality a very lonely 13-year-old with a rich fantasy life. Or a 57-year old prison inmate named Chet.

Speaking of said boyfriend, I actually pulled a muscle in my ass the other day - serves me right for trying to get too athletic during sex. I suppose this means that I lack the requisite muscle tone. Which means that from now on, I'm gonna have to make him do all the work, 'cause ain't no way homegirl is exercising.

Okay, now I'm going to go back to composing an appropriately stinging e-mail to Dan Abrams, in which I call him a dink, remind him that he is not an alumnae but rather an alumnus, and ask him whether the college at which he got his law degree also features degrees in medical transcription and long-haul trucking. I like harassing Abrams; it keeps him on his toes. Plus, he really is a dink.
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [May. 1st, 2005|02:42 am]
[Tags|]
[ambiance |...James Taylor - "First of May"...]

I cannot believe that they aren't going to charge that pop-eyed bitch from Georgia who let people search for her for days and then lied and said that she was kidnapped. Since when do people who lie to police not get charged with anything? Oh yeah: when they're female, white, rich, and pretty. I'll bet if she said she'd found a finger in her Wendy's chili, she'd also have been treated like a middle-class princess. I resent the hell out of the media for romanticizing this "Runaway Bride"; she's a self-absorbed liar, and if she had any conscience at all, she'd use some of that money that was going to pay for that hideous circus of a wedding to instead reimburse the agencies that ponied up the money for the search.

Speaking of white trash, I just saw a Hummer limo on Commercial Street yesterday. When did the Beverly Hillbillies decide to move to Portland, ME? Hate the nouveau fucking riche...

You know, Avril Lavigne is really pretty as long as she doesn't sing or talk. So maybe she should shut the hell up.

On a slightly less vituperative note, my father left a sheepish, rambling message on my machine yesterday while I was at work, saying that he forgot about my birthday because he was entertaining company yesterday (who was he entertaining, that he sounds so embarassed? Whores?) and that when HE was 26, I was 1 year old, and we had taken different paths. Huh? Um, obviously. I'm wondering if he was maybe high or something; the entire thing was mad incoherent. Anyway, now that he's remembered, he says that he will be sending me something. (Or not; I know him way too well to expect that he'll actually follow through.)

Interesting dreams lately; in one of them, Tod was 4 feet tall and Jewish. In another, the dorky president of Geico took over my desk at work and I had nowhere to put all of my papers. I think someone is putting mescaline in my Italian Ice because I've had such odd dreams and because when I'm talking to Marc via IM and I'm on "the Ice", his Super Buddy kinda freaks me out. What with the vertigo and the suspect Italian Ice, I've been feeling slightly high and surreal for a couple of days now. I just read this last paragraph over; I sound like a total whackjob. Frankly, I'm surprised that I haven't been committed yet.
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [Apr. 30th, 2005|05:25 pm]
[Tags|, ]

Interesting convo (why yes, I have been reading Cosmo - how could you tell?) w/ Fabienne about the fundamentalist right-wing Christian practice of talking incessantly about Lord Jesus Christ (it's good that they use his title, cos I just naturally assume they're talking about that other Jesus Christ). Anyway, the fundies tend to mention the guy a lot, but most of their moral strictures are much more reminiscent of Old Testament fire 'n' brimstone Jonathan Edwards-type shit than the loving acceptance of Jesus. So we decided that instead of wearing a cross, it would be more appropriate for their symbol to be an ark, or maybe a heterosexual couple having dutiful missionary-position sex. Heh...

I do, however, somewhat resent that Fabienne thinks that Tod is cute in a "scrunched-up" sort of way. He does not resemble a pug or a persian cat in the slightest. He does, however, resemble an otter, in that he is adorable and friendly and has whiskers.

Speaking of attractive men, I ran into D. today (I never see him anymore, he being one of the Mole People and all) and his new haircut kinda freaked me the hell out - it (and the tummy) makes him look a lot like my father. He should really grow that business out, mang...

Had a recurrence of the vertigo today; milder, though, and has yielded to treatment. No major sleepiness resultant from the pills yet, probably because I'm swilling takusan green tea. Nonetheless, it was very disconcerting while it lasted, esp. as I do not believe I have an ear/sinus infection any longer. So, I would like to register a resounding "What the FUCK?" to my central nervous system; you have got one seriously P.O.'d body on your hands, buster!
LinkWhat's your damage?

(no subject) [Apr. 27th, 2005|08:16 am]
[Tags|, , ]

That idiotic Florida "Shoot First" bill has just been signed into law by Jeb Bush. Basically, if you think you're in danger from someone, you are now legally allowed to shoot them without first attempting to retreat. And yes, now you can shoot them in the back! Hooray!

This is obviously good news for the likes of Carl Hiaasen and Dave Barry; bad news for folks whose spouses don't want to lose their shirt in a divorce, or really for anyone with substantial assets and a valid will. Only conceivable upside to this fiasco is if someone uses it as an excuse to shoot that gubernatorial goober in his ample ass. ("Your Honor, I really did think that Governor Bush was going to sit on me!")

In other news, I seem to have lost my only child (Fat Mousie) to the demon weed. My mother has discovered a pattern in the second Stitch 'n' Bitch book for a yarn mouse that you fill with catnip. So she made a bunch and filled them with Big Budd's Catnip™ (it's like the crack cocaine of catnip) and now whenever I see my darling child, (or Bastet or Bunny), she is invariably in the process of kicking the living crap out of one of her new "moles".

We're running out of names for cat toys, though. Generally we name them after rodents ("Happy Fun Thing" and "Morty Gleckman" being notable exceptions); in the past couple of years we've had a Ferret, a Weasel, a Mink ("Minky"), and several small moles and voles. I think the next logical step is "Stoat", but after that? I refuse to have toys called shrikes or shrews. I mean to say, you have to draw the line somewhere.
Link1 Heather What's your damage?

Popeless: [Apr. 24th, 2005|02:02 am]
[Tags|, ]
[mood | disgusted]

Our soon-to-be-installed Pope Benedict XVI thinks that rock bands, particularly Led Zeppelin and The Eagles, are Satanic. And you know, Ratty, "Take it to the Limit" really does make me want to go out and worship the Beast. Hail Henley!

In other conservative news, Ann Coulter is publicly objecting to her cover photo in "Time" magazine because it makes her feet look enormous and her head look tiny. She says, essentially, that this is a plot by liberals to make her look ridiculous. Okay, Ann?:

1.) You're on the freakin' cover of "Time". In fact, you're one of their 100 Most Influential People. Those bastards! You should sue.

2.) You seem to have overused the Maria Shriver Brand Facial Sharpener™. And you've got no lips to speak of. Frankly, anything that makes your unfortunate features less visible can only be a mitzvah.

Also, Britney Spears is still poisoning her unborn baby with cigarettes, booze, and Kevin Federline. I'm thinkin' that this child ain't gonna be MENSA material.

These people make me feel dirty. Off to compulsively shower I go...
Link8 Heathers What's your damage?

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]

Advertisement