Current mood:

pensive

I'm re-reading Crazy Uncle Steve's Apt Pupil, the single scariest, most repellent work of fiction I've ever read. I'm on kind of a "facing my fears" kick lately, now that my biggest one (the usual biggie - real, lasting loneliness) seems to be moot.

I guess I try to read the things that scared me when I was younger because with sufficient familiarity, they'll lose their oomph. We all do that, right? Purge the poison, etc. And (aside from the above) nothing that's real and concrete ever scared me much - usually just fiction. (Like the Loch Ness Monster - is anyone else freaked out by a million-year-old sea monster?)

But Nazis - they were real, and utterly terrifying. I watched "Cabaret" in a semi-fetal position; that scene in the beer garden made me feel physically sick. The idea of rejecting one's humanity to become part of a hive mind, and (as many did) enjoying what you do, is to me the worst thing anyone can do. (The second worst is torturing the helpless, such as animals - also check. Way to cover all the bases, Steve.)

I suppose I'll always deliberately read stuff that terrifies me. I hope the process makes me braver, as it's supposed to, and not just stupider.